Spirituality

This is something I wrote over the course of the last two days at Kopan Monastery. This period of the meditation retreat was filled with a mandatory silence from all participants. I had been silence for the majority of our ten-day stay, but having everyone silent all the time was definitely different. To help us cope (or maybe just to remind us to think about why we were there) our leaders gave us the choice of two different prompts. This is the one I chose:

Drawing from your experiences in Nepal and particularly from your time at Kopan Monastery, reflect upon how your spiritual, or religious, beliefs have evolved or developed. 

Even from the time I was little I would call myself a spiritual person. I would find Jesus in heavy metal songs, heaven in the clouds when the sun shone through and I would tell my mom that if I died before her I wanted Mary to come down to take me to heaven. 

The almost obsession with Christianity ended when I got the the age where they actually start teaching you about the bible more in depth instead of just reading you stories here and there. I felt like they were trying to force it on me. I wanted to just believe by myself. 

Before this trip I would call myself a Quaker Buddhist. What wasn't to love about the Society of Friends and a generally open, loving, compassionate, wisdom cherishing group of people? Now, the real interesting thing about that is that there actually are other people who call themselves Quaker Buddhists, too. After doing some research I came to the conclusion that, no, I'm not enough of a Quaker to be a Quaker Buddhist. Only one god just doesn't work for me. Still sticking to the peace and friendship bit, though. And, after spending time in Kopan Monastery I don't think I'm enough of a Buddhist to be a Quaker Buddhist. Now, instead of trying to fit myself in a box I've learned that, for me, spirituality is too personal and far too complex to fit in one little box. 

I believe in love and compassion and kindness and wisdom and I believe that if whenever I get angry I just stop for a second and think I'll avoid many negative situations. I believe in the power of positive thoughts. I believe in the power of laughter and smiles and hugs. I believe that the closest thing to a god for me lives in the trees and flowers and rivers and streams. I believe in the power of multiple bracelets and necklaces to get me through a rough day. I believe in the healing power of the ocean. I believe in the power of sounds. I believe in the power of voices together. I believe music and chanting can bring people together and make them feel something. I believe in the power of light. I believe in the power of the sun and moon. 

I believe that the world is only my perception, and, because of that, I have the power to make it what I want. Naturally, there are things I cannot control--as there should be. I wouldn't want all the power. But, I also believe in myself. I am me. I exist. I live, think, breathe, feel, love, smile, laugh, hope, dream, fear, hurt, dance. I can do anything. I'm not saying other people can't do those things, too. Everyone can and everyone does. But, no one does them exactly like me, and I don't believe anyone will. 

I don't believe I am the center of the universe. In fact, I think I'm the farthest thing from it. I do believe that I am part of a bigger picture. There is so much more than just us. If enlightenment shows people that, great. If belief in God and heaven does, great, too. If belief in allah does, also great. If belief in science does, great. Yes, we are all part of one world--one universe--but my time at Kopan has shown me that I truly do believe we are all unique. We are all individuals and we all think and believe in different ways. There is no one right way to believe. 

I think, deep down, I knew all this about myself. My heart knew what I believed; it could just feel it. My brain, on the other hand, needed convincing. It just needed someone to present it with a few basic concepts it likes and a few specific ones it didn't to realize: Oh! I DO know what I think. Who knew?

So, my spiritual views haven't changed that drastically. They were just made a little stronger and little more definite. Instead of an outline they're now a short essay with a few footnotes. 

[Reading back over this shows me that spirituality isn't constant for me. It's always changing. As it should be. I still agree with a lot of this, but there are subtle things I would change. Thought it best to just show my thoughts from Kopan essentially unedited, though.]